Abigail Fisher, come in. Have a seat. We need to...

Abigail Fisher, come in. Have a seat. We need to talk.

It’s come to my attention that you’re suing the University of Texas, because you feel that you were excluded by admissions on the basis of being white. Well prepare your precious, white, soft-boiled head for a chat because there’s some things we need to address here.

1. UT is a huge school and they cannot accept everybody. That’s precisely why they have the CAP program. I know plenty of brilliant people who served a year at either UT San Antonio or UT Tyler, got the grade they needed to transfer, and enjoyed the rest of their college careers in UT Austin. It’s called working hard and paying your dues. I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of it.

2. You seem angry that you don’t have the built-in Austin network that UT comes with. Why, then would your second choice be an out of state school? Why not A&M or Rice or any of the other great Texas schools? Or are you one of the many elitists that blindly dismiss every city in Texas that isn’t Austin?

3. I don’t have the time nor resources to fully educate you on affirmative action programs. I took all of one political science classes in college. (Also, I went to Texas A&M, so what is my education really worth to you?) I did, however, take a few sociology classes and do you know what I learned? Hold on to your TOMS, Abigail, because you’re not gonna believe this. White women have benefited the most from those programs. Shocking, I know. No matter how anti-Abigail they tried to make the system, people with your profile still managed to sneak through the cracks and get a good education. Incredible, right? After all the challenges put before us white people, some have still overcome. Hallelujah!

4. A degree from UT Austin will not guarantee you a job any more than a degree from LSU would. If you want a job, and especially in Austin (largely considered a second Silicon Valley of sorts, where self-taught developers are the ones bringing in the big money), it ultimately comes down to self-determination and hustle. I would need a microscope to find your hustle. I don’t think you’ve had to work…really work for anything in your life. And here you are, four years after the admissions process, lucky enough to actually be a salaried graduate and you want to take your ball and go home because you’re not making the kind of money you’d like to be making at this very minute. I don’t think you know how life works.

5. Finally, let’s just say that I’m a potential employer. I look at your résumé and I’m actually kind of impressed at how well you did at LSU. The bowling team? Prestigious! I then do some light googling of your name and oh boy I CANNOT hire you. Do you want to know why I can’t hire you, Abigail? You’re a liability. You’re the toxic combination of two parts entitled, one part litigious and iced with a complete inability to take responsibility for your own life. We can’t have that kind of personality in the office. We need someone who doesn’t make excuses for herself and what I’m looking at right now as just a pale mass of excuses. Truthfully though, please don’t think we’re not hiring you just because you’re white. Some of my best friends are white! I’ve seen Seinfeld before! Funny stuff! I swear I’m not a racist. Please don’t sue.

I’m excited to see how your high-profile case against the University of Texas is going to affect your job prospects in Austin! Good luck with everything, Abigail and congratulations on overcoming the unbearable burden of being a white person!

-Molly