Wisdom Teeth

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Got problems? Need some advice? Like words that rhyme?


This is the first edition of Advice Is Nice. Submit a problem or question, and I (Ashley) will rap some words of wisdom at you. Today’s problem comes from an anonymous individual. He writes raps:

Hey Ashley,
I have a question for your advice column:

They say a G’s true calling is balling out on every level.
But I’ve been so low balling that my detail’s in the devil.
See I’ve been mackin on this girl who’s like 1 or 4 years younger.
Is age just a number? If not, what’s the over/under?


This is a toughy, anonymous, but here’s what I’m thinking:

Firstly, I commend you for rapping your submission

I hope I can lay some knowledge on your current disposition

Assuming you’re in your twenties, jockin on some honeys

Be cautious that this girl is emotionally mature

If she passes all yr tests (over 17 in the state of TX) gots the brains and the breasts

Then I think yr mindset will fix all the rest

The dude who feels like a skeeze may truly be one – feel me?

So, own yr shit, treat her right, and don’t worry

I say follow yr heart, but always be smart

And I’m having a hard time ending this rap with the word Poptart



Hope that helps, anonymous! Keep ballin.

-Ashley



Key Voting Blocs That Are Still Up For Grabs
With some election or other looming right around the corner, when most folks get behind that curtain to eat the piece of candy with their favorite candidate’s face printed on it, they already know which face they want to eat, and they unanimously hope the candy isn’t one of those gross orange and black wrappered caramel things that aren’t really caramels at all.
Anyhoo:  Democracy!
But some people don’t know who they like.  Or they’re lying about not knowing because they want attention or something.  But whatever their reasons, they’re out there.  Lurking.  So here’s a rigorously fact-checked look at the key voting blocs that are still potentially up for grabs.
 
MILFs

Who are they?
Frequently passed over for the coveted cougar vote—and, frankly, kind of tired of it—MILFs are truly the sleeping giant of the 2012 election.
Why un-tapped?
Why, indeed.
Likely to vote for:
Obama.  Or maybe Romney.
 
Juggalos

Who are they?
“What is a juggalo? / Let me think for a second. / Oh, he gets butt-naked / And then he walks through the streets / Winking at the freaks / With a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks.”
Why un-tapped?
Juggalos are actively sought after by both parties, but they are notorious for waiting until they have all the facts before making a decision.
Likely to vote for:
Rick Santorum had the juggalo vote locked down in the primaries.  But now they’re up for grabs.
 
DILFs

Who are they?
Certainly rarer than their MILF counterparts, DILFs still turn out in numbers for candidates who promise to lower taxes on cycling shorts.
Why un-tapped?
Between coaching little Brandon’s swim team and perfecting that darn artichoke risotto recipe(!) DILFs are just tough to get ahold of these days.
Likely to vote for:
DILFs’ll never tell.
 
Australians

Who are they?
They’re Australians, mostly.
Why un-tapped?
Mostly because they’re Australians.
Likely to vote for:
Other Australians.  In Australian elections.
 
Toddlers

Who are they?
They’re the babies that look like people!
Why un-tapped?
With high rates of illiteracy and a general lack of interest in current events, toddlers tend to avoid most news outlets.  Also, many of them have chewed up Cheerios all over their hands at any given moment, which is gross.
Likely to vote for:
That lady who gives them Cheerios!

-Chris

Key Voting Blocs That Are Still Up For Grabs

With some election or other looming right around the corner, when most folks get behind that curtain to eat the piece of candy with their favorite candidate’s face printed on it, they already know which face they want to eat, and they unanimously hope the candy isn’t one of those gross orange and black wrappered caramel things that aren’t really caramels at all.

Anyhoo:  Democracy!

But some people don’t know who they like.  Or they’re lying about not knowing because they want attention or something.  But whatever their reasons, they’re out there.  Lurking.  So here’s a rigorously fact-checked look at the key voting blocs that are still potentially up for grabs.

 

MILFs

Who are they?

Frequently passed over for the coveted cougar vote—and, frankly, kind of tired of it—MILFs are truly the sleeping giant of the 2012 election.

Why un-tapped?

Why, indeed.

Likely to vote for:

Obama.  Or maybe Romney.

 

Juggalos

Who are they?

“What is a juggalo? / Let me think for a second. / Oh, he gets butt-naked / And then he walks through the streets / Winking at the freaks / With a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks.”

Why un-tapped?

Juggalos are actively sought after by both parties, but they are notorious for waiting until they have all the facts before making a decision.

Likely to vote for:

Rick Santorum had the juggalo vote locked down in the primaries.  But now they’re up for grabs.

 

DILFs

Who are they?

Certainly rarer than their MILF counterparts, DILFs still turn out in numbers for candidates who promise to lower taxes on cycling shorts.

Why un-tapped?

Between coaching little Brandon’s swim team and perfecting that darn artichoke risotto recipe(!) DILFs are just tough to get ahold of these days.

Likely to vote for:

DILFs’ll never tell.

 

Australians

Who are they?

They’re Australians, mostly.

Why un-tapped?

Mostly because they’re Australians.

Likely to vote for:

Other Australians.  In Australian elections.

 

Toddlers

Who are they?

They’re the babies that look like people!

Why un-tapped?

With high rates of illiteracy and a general lack of interest in current events, toddlers tend to avoid most news outlets.  Also, many of them have chewed up Cheerios all over their hands at any given moment, which is gross.

Likely to vote for:

That lady who gives them Cheerios!

-Chris

Happy Halloween from Wisdom Teeth!
GET SPOOKY

Happy Halloween from Wisdom Teeth!

GET SPOOKY

-Ashley

-Ashley

Beach Cigarettes
A spotlight on some of the most absolutely killer shit coming out of Australia over the past couple of years. 
Tracklist:
1. Eddy Current Suppression Ring - Wrapped Up2. Total Control - One More Tonight3. Kitchen’s Floor - Twenty Four4. Royal Headache - Down the Lane5. Bitch Prefect - Bad Decisions6. Boomgates - Whispering & Singing7. Scott & Charlene’s Wedding - Wiseman at the Station8. Circle Pit - Another Trick9. Pop Singles - Hold You Tight10. Super Wild Horses - Golden Town11. Eddy Current Suppression Ring - Which Way to Go12. Scott & Charlene’s Wedding - Gammy Leg13. Royal Headache - Psychotic Episode14. Total Control - Love Performance15. Circle Pit - Slave
-Ben

Beach Cigarettes

A spotlight on some of the most absolutely killer shit coming out of Australia over the past couple of years. 

Tracklist:

1. Eddy Current Suppression Ring - Wrapped Up
2. Total Control - One More Tonight
3. Kitchen’s Floor - Twenty Four
4. Royal Headache - Down the Lane
5. Bitch Prefect - Bad Decisions
6. Boomgates - Whispering & Singing
7. Scott & Charlene’s Wedding - Wiseman at the Station
8. Circle Pit - Another Trick
9. Pop Singles - Hold You Tight
10. Super Wild Horses - Golden Town
11. Eddy Current Suppression Ring - Which Way to Go
12. Scott & Charlene’s Wedding - Gammy Leg
13. Royal Headache - Psychotic Episode
14. Total Control - Love Performance
15. Circle Pit - Slave

-Ben

The screenplay for Judd Apatow’s new movie This is Forty is available online and it’s great and you should read it if that’s your thing.

The screenplay for Judd Apatow’s new movie This is Forty is available online and it’s great and you should read it if that’s your thing.

Been gnawing a blueberry bagel and grooving to Mac Demarco's new LP titled “2”, which dropped today and is available on Spotify. Y’all need to get in on these smooth jams, stat! I can’t help you with the bagel part, though. :’(

-Ashley

A great place to grab a street hot dog (veggie or not) when you’re drunk and hungry on a Saturday night.
10th and Pike, Seattle, Washington
-Corey

A great place to grab a street hot dog (veggie or not) when you’re drunk and hungry on a Saturday night.

10th and Pike, Seattle, Washington

-Corey

Abigail Fisher, come in. Have a seat. We need to talk.
It’s come to my attention that you’re suing the University of Texas, because you feel that you were excluded by admissions on the basis of being white. Well prepare your precious, white, soft-boiled head for a chat because there’s some things we need to address here.
1. UT is a huge school and they cannot accept everybody. That’s precisely why they have the CAP program. I know plenty of brilliant people who served a year at either UT San Antonio or UT Tyler, got the grade they needed to transfer, and enjoyed the rest of their college careers in UT Austin. It’s called working hard and paying your dues. I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of it.
2. You seem angry that you don’t have the built-in Austin network that UT comes with. Why, then would your second choice be an out of state school? Why not A&M or Rice or any of the other great Texas schools? Or are you one of the many elitists that blindly dismiss every city in Texas that isn’t Austin?
3. I don’t have the time nor resources to fully educate you on affirmative action programs. I took all of one political science classes in college. (Also, I went to Texas A&M, so what is my education really worth to you?) I did, however, take a few sociology classes and do you know what I learned? Hold on to your TOMS, Abigail, because you’re not gonna believe this. White women have benefited the most from those programs. Shocking, I know. No matter how anti-Abigail they tried to make the system, people with your profile still managed to sneak through the cracks and get a good education. Incredible, right? After all the challenges put before us white people, some have still overcome. Hallelujah!
4. A degree from UT Austin will not guarantee you a job any more than a degree from LSU would. If you want a job, and especially in Austin (largely considered a second Silicon Valley of sorts, where self-taught developers are the ones bringing in the big money), it ultimately comes down to self-determination and hustle. I would need a microscope to find your hustle. I don’t think you’ve had to work…really work for anything in your life. And here you are, four years after the admissions process, lucky enough to actually be a salaried graduate and you want to take your ball and go home because you’re not making the kind of money you’d like to be making at this very minute. I don’t think you know how life works.
5. Finally, let’s just say that I’m a potential employer. I look at your résumé and I’m actually kind of impressed at how well you did at LSU. The bowling team? Prestigious! I then do some light googling of your name and oh boy I CANNOT hire you. Do you want to know why I can’t hire you, Abigail? You’re a liability. You’re the toxic combination of two parts entitled, one part litigious and iced with a complete inability to take responsibility for your own life. We can’t have that kind of personality in the office. We need someone who doesn’t make excuses for herself and what I’m looking at right now as just a pale mass of excuses. Truthfully though, please don’t think we’re not hiring you just because you’re white. Some of my best friends are white! I’ve seen Seinfeld before! Funny stuff! I swear I’m not a racist. Please don’t sue.
I’m excited to see how your high-profile case against the University of Texas is going to affect your job prospects in Austin! Good luck with everything, Abigail and congratulations on overcoming the unbearable burden of being a white person!
-Molly

Abigail Fisher, come in. Have a seat. We need to talk.

It’s come to my attention that you’re suing the University of Texas, because you feel that you were excluded by admissions on the basis of being white. Well prepare your precious, white, soft-boiled head for a chat because there’s some things we need to address here.

1. UT is a huge school and they cannot accept everybody. That’s precisely why they have the CAP program. I know plenty of brilliant people who served a year at either UT San Antonio or UT Tyler, got the grade they needed to transfer, and enjoyed the rest of their college careers in UT Austin. It’s called working hard and paying your dues. I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of it.

2. You seem angry that you don’t have the built-in Austin network that UT comes with. Why, then would your second choice be an out of state school? Why not A&M or Rice or any of the other great Texas schools? Or are you one of the many elitists that blindly dismiss every city in Texas that isn’t Austin?

3. I don’t have the time nor resources to fully educate you on affirmative action programs. I took all of one political science classes in college. (Also, I went to Texas A&M, so what is my education really worth to you?) I did, however, take a few sociology classes and do you know what I learned? Hold on to your TOMS, Abigail, because you’re not gonna believe this. White women have benefited the most from those programs. Shocking, I know. No matter how anti-Abigail they tried to make the system, people with your profile still managed to sneak through the cracks and get a good education. Incredible, right? After all the challenges put before us white people, some have still overcome. Hallelujah!

4. A degree from UT Austin will not guarantee you a job any more than a degree from LSU would. If you want a job, and especially in Austin (largely considered a second Silicon Valley of sorts, where self-taught developers are the ones bringing in the big money), it ultimately comes down to self-determination and hustle. I would need a microscope to find your hustle. I don’t think you’ve had to work…really work for anything in your life. And here you are, four years after the admissions process, lucky enough to actually be a salaried graduate and you want to take your ball and go home because you’re not making the kind of money you’d like to be making at this very minute. I don’t think you know how life works.

5. Finally, let’s just say that I’m a potential employer. I look at your résumé and I’m actually kind of impressed at how well you did at LSU. The bowling team? Prestigious! I then do some light googling of your name and oh boy I CANNOT hire you. Do you want to know why I can’t hire you, Abigail? You’re a liability. You’re the toxic combination of two parts entitled, one part litigious and iced with a complete inability to take responsibility for your own life. We can’t have that kind of personality in the office. We need someone who doesn’t make excuses for herself and what I’m looking at right now as just a pale mass of excuses. Truthfully though, please don’t think we’re not hiring you just because you’re white. Some of my best friends are white! I’ve seen Seinfeld before! Funny stuff! I swear I’m not a racist. Please don’t sue.

I’m excited to see how your high-profile case against the University of Texas is going to affect your job prospects in Austin! Good luck with everything, Abigail and congratulations on overcoming the unbearable burden of being a white person!

-Molly

Do you ever feel like baking but are totally broke? If you have the essential ingredients lying around, you don’t have to worry about that weird, expensive extract you’ve never heard of and can’t find in your usual Kroger or QFC.These cinnamon oatmeal cookies were really easy!1 cup all-purpose flour1/2 cup sugar1/2 cup packed brown sugar1/2 cup oatsA lot of cinnamonSome nutmeg1 egg1 tsp. vanilla extract1/2 tsp. salt1/2 tsp. baking soda
Preheat oven to 375 and use a tablespoon of dough for each cookie. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes.I made mine Fall themed with some candy corn that I had in my cupboard. Feel free to use festive sprinkles if you’d like!
-Corey

Do you ever feel like baking but are totally broke? If you have the essential ingredients lying around, you don’t have to worry about that weird, expensive extract you’ve never heard of and can’t find in your usual Kroger or QFC.

These cinnamon oatmeal cookies were really easy!

1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup oats
A lot of cinnamon
Some nutmeg
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Preheat oven to 375 and use a tablespoon of dough for each cookie. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes.


I made mine Fall themed with some candy corn that I had in my cupboard. Feel free to use festive sprinkles if you’d like!

-Corey